I've been doing quite a bit of reflection recently. Life changes will have that effect.  I'm not the person I was a year ago.  There's a metamorphosis occurring.  For better or for not I don't know yet.  There are days that I feel so distant from who I was that it hurts.  I miss what I thought my life was. But it was an illusion and I'm rebuilding, reforming, making new connections, while trying to sort the best from my old life and retain them.  The instability leaves me falling occasionally. But I am strong and I recover.  One of the greatest discoveries I've made about myself in the last few years is just how strong I am.  No matter how many times I get knocked down I will get up again.
This past week has been one of those times.  But I set a new path for myself and my family.  Things I had put off for ridiculous reasons I have started on and will see them come to fruition in a few short months. I just need to keep my head down and ass up and I'll have it made. One thing that has not changed about me: if there is something that needs doing, there's no time like now to get started.  I only wish it was yesterday...

Suffering

I spent the weekend in (mostly) silence.  Silence is something I think that we could all agree there is very little of in our world.  For the most part we’re not very comfortable with it but that’s for another day’s pontificating.

I thought a lot about suffering.  Recently a friend told me that after his mom died someone said that it was God’s will.  I wish that I’d been able to give him a more satisfactory answer than “I’m sorry”.  I am sorry.  Sorry that he lost his mom all too early, sorry that someone said that to him.  People say thoughtless things in uncomfortable situations and it doesn’t get much more uncomfortable than death.  I’ve heard many hurtful thoughtless things said to me in times of trial/loss but to put it in balance I have also said stupid things.  The reason I think it’s thoughtless to say it’s God’s will for someone to die is because it makes it sound like God wants us to hurt.  He doesn’t.  He hurts right along with us.  Our sorrow is His as well.  He loves us so much and thinks of each of us with such deep affection that we can’t even fathom that love or thought.  Unfortunately sometimes bad things do happen. And sometimes He has to allow them to happen and while He doesn’t want it to happen He will allow good to come from it.  Suffering is when we grow.  Suffering defines us and tempers us as a hot flame tempers steel.  A good parent will allow a beloved child to “learn things the hard way” from time to time.  Do we love our children less?  No of course not. But in order to grow one must fall periodically.  I have had my share of loss.  I have dealt with things that no child should have to.  I can choose to be angry at God, to be a victim.  Or I can choose to grow and develop into the person I am meant to be.  These are the sufferings that have contributed to who I am now.  I am passionate and empathetic, I am hopeful and joyful.  Who would I be without these sorrows? Probably not me. So my friend I wish I had given you a better answer at the time, but here it is now.

September

So here she is: September a month of fresh beginnings.  Everything starts up again and I've been feeling a bit panicked by it all. I usually welcome September.  I love the smells and feeling of autumn, the crispness, the colours.  The fresh school supplies and curriculum generally excite me.  Not this year.  I'm just tired and feeling overwhelmed by all of the expectations everyone has of me.  I'm not supposed to feel this way.  I'm supposed to be "amazing" because I have six kids AND I homeschool.  I am not amazing.  I am not a saint.  I'm just a mom trying to be the best mom I can and I fall short all of the time. I love my family passionately and enjoy being with them, but it feels like something is going to snap and it might be my sanity. I'm torn between what I think my family needs and what I feel I can actually give. And still I will plug on...

Midsummer Pity Party

I think for the most part I am a positive person.  It always comes as a shock to me when someone is mean.  I feel blindsided, naive and a little stupid.  Stupid as in "how did I not see that coming" stupid.  And it taints things.  It's similar to have a handful of fresh raspberries and there's one in there that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.  And that's how I am feeling about people right now.  I don't understand being nice to someone, while really you're simmering below.  I cannot do that.  I am always civil but that is the extent of it.  I cannot pretend to like someone.  Junior high was a long time ago for me, and I can do nicely without the drama. So now I feel bruised and confused and unable to trust.
I also don't understand why I care.  Why should it matter?  Why isn't Jesus enough for me?  Why do I need other people's acceptance?  Oh and I miss my mom right now.  Maybe our relationship was too dependant, but I always felt accepted and loved and never so lonely when Mom was around. I just miss her so much.  The expression that time heals is a lie.  It dulls the pain because you can't live in that extreme for too long, but the hurt is still there waiting to erupt like a festering sore.  Again, why can't I just be happy for her?  Too selfish I expect.
Toddlers always help with loneliness.  They are always ready with a hug and a cuddle.

Summer Days

So  here we are again the midst of summer days.  It's been a wet summer with few truly nice days so when those precious few nice days happen the children are outside.  Mark loves the outdoors, but unfortunately the outdoors is not very kind to him.  The mosquitoes this year are atrocious and their favourite food is Markie who is very allergic to him.  Everyone else can be outside the same time as him and they'll end up with a bite here and there while is literally covered.
Change is in the air and it hangs heavily right now.  The uncertainties are daunting so I just keep giving them to God and then taking them back again.
Becca just had her "big" birthday and is at camp as a junior leader.
VBS is next week and then a week of holidays - maybe.  More uncertainties.  And another birthday.

Markisms

The older children have a fun game in which they ask Mark to repeat ridiculously long words.  He's quite capable and at 2 is extremely articulate.  For the most part he uses words in the correct context. Becca asked him one day to say "paleontologist" and so he did.  I asked him what paleontologists do and he responded "eat my brains".  I think I can chalk that up to older sibling's obsession with the Plants vs. Zombies game.

Lenten Reflections

Lent is hard.  Of course it is.  It's meant to be.  I mean that I never feel like I've done enough.  I never feel fully prepared for Easter.  I start out with wonderful plans, but invariably something intervenes with those.  I believe that God chooses Lent for us sometimes.
This year I am praying for a conversion of heart.  I want to desire Christ more, to thirst for Him in the Eucharist and in prayer.  Many of our annual practices haven't been employed this year.  I'm just going day by day and hoping for more kindness in our house amongst children.  I'm hoping for more prayer and more love.
On a practical level of sacrifice we're all going without Pepsi, Nestle and Cadbury products.  This sacrifice looks like it'll be an ongoing one until they change research practices.