Slaying Dragons

This is a valley of suffering, I know. But isn't that reserved for others? For some reason (irrational reason) I thought that God leveled the scales and if you suffered so much here in your life then later on your suffering would be minor. Trust me, I know how irrational that is, and yet there it is. I didn't even know that I thought that until a month ago.
My mom has cancer.
She is very sick.
This disease has laid her body low. She doesn't even have the energy to read. My mom, who always has at least 2 books on the go, isn't reading.
Looking back on the past 6 months, it is evident that something was wrong. A day of shopping would wear her out. She had to rest more and towards the end of summer she spent most of her days laying on the couch, spent by a simple task. The doctors were dismissive. They said that it was old age, a lung infection, a bad cold. My mom in turn, took them at their word and didn't want to be a burden on the health system. She didn't persist. Finally, Dad and I insisted and took her to the emergency department. I went in with her, intent on fighting for her. But a new doctor took her at her word, took a thorough history, ordered x-rays and a CT scan. And it's cancer. I think Mom was shocked the most by the verdict. She thought that she would "feel sicker if it was cancer". But that has come.
There are so many people who care and that's so touching. There are those who mean to help, but their very help is painful. Telling me that it's better if she goes fast, it's easier on everyone. That the average lung cancer patient can expect one year at the outside. One person said I was lucky to have the 10 years with my mom that she didn't have with hers. Maybe I am, but I just want my mom. She's one of my bestest friends and I just want her to get better, so that we can be like we used to be.
I know that I need to see this as an opportunity. For her and Dad to grow closer to God. For me to grow closer to God. I know that this an opportunity to accept God's Will and to know that He is in control, and that His plan is the best. But I can't tonight. Tonight I just want to fight. To be angry and sad.
Tomorrow, I'll be brave and accepting. I will give it all back to God, again. And again and again. But tonight it's mine and I will nurse all this pain and have a real cry.