Bitter Sweet

My mom is dead. She died early Monday morning. Dad and I took her into Emerg on Saturday evening because she was having stomach pain - which escalated as the evening progressed. The doc admitted her and Dad and I stayed with her until after 11. She'd get a little short of breath and panic and then hyperventilate. She'd forget to breathe through her nose, where the oxygen was and it'd take awhile to talk her down. Dad and I finally went home. She called Dad in again and he stayed until 5 am at which point she sent him home.
Sunday after Mass, I stopped by. She was more comfortable, but she had some pain in her back that the meds just weren't touching. I rubbed it for the longest time. I emptied her commode for her at her request - she didn't want to inconvenience the nurses. I talked to her doctor about her depression. He told me not to underestimate how sick my mother was. I truly didn't think I was. She wanted to die, but I didn't think that her systems were ready for that yet. She asked me if I'd phoned Donald, or Allan and I said I would. I told her that we needed to talk about arrangements and what not and she said there's no hurry. This wasn't going to be "IT" and she was going to come home tomorrow. I said I'd be back that evening and I left when everyone showed up. That evening I played and read with the kids, had a bath and went to bed early. I didn't go back. I was going in the next day. I thought I had more time.
Dad phoned me at 5:30am. The nurse had checked Mom at 4:45 and she was resting easy. At 5:05 the IV alarm went off and she went into check and Mom was gone.
This week has been awful. I asked God for a consolation. And looking back He's given so many. I just didn't recognize them at the time. Dad was upset that Mom died alone - God showed me that He was there with her. I've had so many prayers offered, so many offers of help, so much food brought to me. I am so close to my Dad right now - something that's never happened before. And I'm pregnant. I'm so grateful - but I'm so sad to think of this pregnancy without Mom. This newborn without Mom. She's always been there before.
Tomorrow is the funeral. I'm delivering the eulogy, which I'll post later. God grant me the grace to do this well. To do justice to Mom. Of course, for Your Glory always. I'm so sorry for my doubt, for my anger. "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief".

The Betta is Dead!

We have hosted many pet fish. We had an exceptionally long lived gold fish, who we named Uber Fish, because no matter the neglect, he refused to die. But eventually he did and is now resting under my rose bush (which, incidentally, has done exceptionally well. Coincidence? I think not).
Last year, Becca prevailed upon us to get her a fish. She was going to be very responsible and she was. But this week saw the passing on of Rainbow. Which she handled with some sorrow, but was remarkably resigned.
Now she's campaigning for a lizard, or a snake. She's being very helpful and very pleasant. Which is very good. Will I really have to reward this behaviour with something that eats live bugs? Please spare me. What patron saint to I appeal to?